Friday, May 8, 2009

Sage Advice

  1. Don't collect unicorns.
  2. Don't clean your eye wear with your tongue.
  3. Don't wear face paint in a sit down restaurant.
  4. Moisturize.
  5. Don't hold it when you have to potty. It will eventually kill you.
  6. Throw out undershirts with pit stains.
  7. Spray-on tanning doesn't work.
  8. Don't change for anyone, unless your wearing a diaper.
  9. Let people help you move heavy furniture or just let them do it.
  10. Block harassing phone calls.
  11. Always have a spare.
  12. Remember: you are white.
  13. Don't get a firearm, you may be tempted to use it.
  14. Return calls.
  15. Don't stab anyone, but if you must, use a stake made of ice.
  16. Forgo the need to forgive, simply lower your expectations.
  17. Massage!! Massage!! Massage!! Anyone in need, give them a squeeze. Anytime, anywhere.
  18. Know that your life may never be as good as it is right now. It could get worse.
  19. Always stop lists at nineteen. It leaves people hungry for more.


Jared said...

You forgot "sleep with you mouth closed."

Lots of weird things can get lost in there.

Charles Sorensen said...

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