Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Sorry Folks, Enough With The Gay Jokes

Hi, again. I'm sitting in Introduction to Social Work, and I have to tell you, it's not as entertaining as it sounds. I was really interested in taking this class at the beginning of the semester. By now, all excitement has ceased. Systematic Theology II is next at 9:30 AM. Always way more fun, but I tend to explore online the same amount of time.

Since my first post, lots of things have changed. Last week during my Spring Break, I went to see Chase and Donna in Nashville. It was fun. We went to Louisville, KY, which is, sadly, the farthest north I have ever been.

I watched "No Country For Bored Men" with Chase and Donna. You get it. It was not that great. Sorry guys.

The biggest thing in my life is that I am no longer dating the black non-Christian girl. Ironically, she taught me more about Christianity than some believers have, certainly more about life than some really good friends have. In the disgustingly long conversation we had last night, I learned that I tend to use women. This was shocking to me. I should have figured it out; I mean, we've all heard my whore-stories. Yet, I thought I acted differently in college than I do now. But, I've just been lying to myself. It's the same. I'm the same. 18 and nearly 28. A decade of deception. Whether I was scared of commitment or feared something else, I would bail on the relationship before it went anywhere. For what reason? I'm still not sure. But instead of explaining the situation and addressing my fear to that girl, I always blame it on extraneous circumstances. In this case, it was her non-belief and my Dad's prejudice nature. I guess the root of the problem lies in that I can't see spending my life with one person. I still haven't found one person that I want to wake up next to for the rest of my natural life. And I always want to know that info before we even date. Maybe that's possible, maybe it's not. I've seen tons of examples from both camps. I'm learning to accept being wrong. So maybe I should just date tons of women? Maybe I should just be a hetero-life-mate to some strapping lad who will tolerate my elitism. Oh, back to the topic. Then in all of my relationships, the physical stuff happens, and we become content in substituting our friendship/makeoutship for a real relationships. Either way, I actually think I still like this lady, but I know that will fade. It always does. I led her on, when she was ready to explore the possibility of us. I was never ready. Perhaps I'll never be ready, for her or anybody else. We're two different people. By the time I'm ready, she'll be way ahead of me. I'm only chasing safety anyway.

I guess that little chunk of self-revelation was all I had to say. It's funny: I'm up with a little more than an hour sleep. It's hard to keep my eyelids open. It's hard to stay focused. I'm easily distracted. And I can actually see clearly. Oh, so clearly.

Life is a bitch.


Jared said...

It's okay Jeff, I can tolerate your elitism, and you can take that for what it is.

I always pegged you as a picky one, not as one who isn't capable of settling down at all. Just keep your head (and your fly) up, and it will happen.

Here's a tidbit for you: I once told Evelyn over dinner that I would never marry her because she wasn't a Christian. Funny, but I'm not telling you to follow in my footsteps, I'm just saying don't give up on this one. You haven't given a good reason to yet.

Justin said...

I look at it this way, you knew about your clash of religious beliefs before you actually started going out. Why make it such an issue now?

I don't think you use women bro, I just think your pickiness tends to keep you from making a serious commitment to anyone.

I agree with Jed on the idea that you should not bail on this girl quite yet. If you are not going to be with this girl, do it for the right reasons. Don't let your Dad's racism or your difference of faith be a factor.

Jeff Watkins said...

Thanks for the advice. We're just friends for now.

If I went into a rant about all the things I didn't like about her, then I'd be a dick. I can't stop thinking about her, but that could be infatuation, not true emotions. She's way different than anybody I've ever liked, so it could just be that.

I did know I was picky. I did. But I can be a douchebag too. And I do use women. I do. I could share more whore stories, but I wouldn't want to disappoint you guys.

Jared said...

No offense Jeff, but do you think maybe you like to think of yourself as someone who "uses women" because you don't like to admit that women might use you? It's always easier to admit you used a woman that to admit you couldn't make it work.

Same as the old: she broke up with me, I broke up with her bit.

I don't mean to be rude, you just seem a little bit proud of your supposed women usage, and that's no good.

Jeff Watkins said...

Justin said he didn't think I used women. You equated it with my pickiness. I am not proud of my actions at all. But if I get involved with girls just to screw around, and then when emotions get involved, I end it. Yeah, that's being a user. I'm just trying to explain it to you guys. I'm not proud. I just did it, again.

I don't mind getting used and having a broken heart. It's just only happened a few times. I'm the cause of most of my problems.

Justin said...

You could always try the Eliot Spitzer routine if you are really tired of the bullshit. How's the escort prices in New Orleans? haha

Jeff Watkins said...

David Vitter, who is a politican from Louisiana, apparently got some good deals on women. A maddam in DC sold him out. I'm sure he was charged a lot! I miss the days of cheap prostitues.